The Knights of Middle Earth
by YoyYoy
Summary: Monty Python Holy Grail Meets Tolkien and insanity ensues. Rated T for safety, because we all know how Monty Python can get! Enjoy!
1. Introduction: The Meeting

Monty Python: Look, Tolkien, this is good and all, but I have a few suggestions.

J.R.R. Tolkien: Really? Like what.

Monty Python: Well. . . .

And thus the fabled meeting of Monty Python and J.R.R. Tolkien came to be, and together they created one of the most disturbing stories on the face of the earth. The following is that story.

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A/N: I know, short intro, but what're you gonna do, huh? I don't own the Lord of the Rings, though I practically worship it. D I really need to reread the books, but for the benefit of those who have only seen the movies (bastards, really, what was with Legolas in the movie? Now he's got a bad rep for Orlando, you dumb ass! Though Gimli was awesome. . .) I'll do scenes you guys will know. Enjoy!


	2. ADD and Bridges

Pipin turned over yet again in his bed. In frustration he stood up, looking around to see if his movements had disturbed anyone. Seeing he hadn't, he tiptoed over to where Gandalf lay asleep. Picking up a convenient grail, Pipin switched the magic orb in the wizard's arms for it. Wrapped in fascination, Pipin stole away to the other side of the room. He unwrapped the ball and gazed at it. Almost unconsciously he put his hands on it. The ball was instantly aglow, and the hobbit heard a voice in his head. "I am the Dark Lord," Pipin blinked.

"Who?" he asked in his head.

"The Dark Lord,"

"Well I didn't vote for you," replied Pipin.

"You don't vote for Lords,"

"Then how'd you become one?" Pipin asked. The Dark Lord sighed. It was just one of those days.

"The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the-"

"Boring!"

"Stupid ADD hobbits!" and the Dark Lord was gone. Pipin yawned and went back to sleep. Some Dark Lords had no sense of humor.

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"It's right after us!" cried random-person-in-the-Fellowship.

"Run!" screamed the wizard. "Towards the bridge!" They all ran as fast as they could, but as soon as they reached the bridge they stopped. Before them, blocking their path, was a knight dressed in black armor. "Let us past!" cried Gandalf.

"None shall pass," the knight said.

"We have no quarrel with you, but we must cross this bridge," Aragorn said.

"Then you shall die," said the Black Knight, drawing his sword.

"We're going to die unless you let us past!" screamed Frodo. The Black Night took a swing at Frodo but missed. Rolling his eyes, Gandalf chopped the knight's arm off.

"Now let us past," he commanded.

"'Tis but a scratch," the night said.

"A scratch? Your arms off!"

"No it isn't!"

"Then what's that, then?" asked Gandalf angrily, gesturing to the arm on the ground. The night paused a moment.

"I've had worse," he said.

"You liar!"

"Have at you!" the knight picked up his sword and charged at Gandalf.

"I'd help him, but it's too hilarious," Aragorn whispered to Legolas.

"I'd help him, but I bleach my hair," the elf replied.

"I knew it!" Aragorn exclaimed.

"Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!" Gandalf cried.

"Yes I have!"

"Where?"

". . . . .have at you!"

"I'll have your leg then. Right!" And Gandalf chopped off the black night's leg.

"Persistent little bugger, isn't he?" commented Gimli.

"We'll call it a draw," Gandalf sheathed his sword and stepped past the armless, legless black knight.

"Get back here you pansies! I'll bite your legs off!" screamed the knight. No one paid any attention, except for Pipin who kicked him into the black pit below the bridge.

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A/N: OK, if you haven't read anything of mine before, you wouldn't understand the page breaks. Well, my computer is funny, and does a lot of funny shit, so I have to figure out different ways of making page breaks until I can get my computer to do it. So that is what the /\/\/\/\/ things are. Anyway, I own neither Monty Python nor Lord of the Rings. If you want to see something, then put it in your review and I'll work it into a chapter! D Thank you!


	3. Spanish Inquisition and a Killer Joke

Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pipin all held their breath as the Ring Wrathe paused above them on the road. The next minute was the longest and most terrifying any of them had ever experienced. Soon, but not soon enough, the black horse sped off down the road. They all let out a collective sigh of relief. "I didn't expect some Spanish Inquisition," Pipin said. He was promptly hit over the head with a bag of mushrooms.

"Nobody expects the-"

"Shh! He'll hear you!" hissed Sam.

"Quick, throw the mushrooms!"

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Denethor came to the balcony and saw the writhing madness of orcs attacking his city. All was lost, they were going to all be destroyed by the Dark Lord and his minions. The race of men was at it's vanquishing point. "Well I didn't expect spme Spanish Inquisition," he said. Before the Spanish Inquisition could say their famous line, Gandalf whacked them all over the head. He'd had enough of this silliness.

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Saruman gazed helplessly out of his tower window, watching his domain be destroyed by the ents. "I didn't expect some Spanish Inquisition," he said.

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Cried three men dressed in red as they burst into the tower. They were then promptly pushed out of the tower.

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The Dark Lord surveyed the last army of men. "Well I didn't expect some Spanish Inquisition," he said.

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" came a very small voice. Then the Spanish Inquisition was squashed by an ogre.

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It was impossible for them to win. They were surrounded by the enemy, with no hope of survival. Though the Eagles had come to fight, it wasn't enough. Every human on Middle Earth was going to perish here at the Black Gates. Aragorn looked around, hoping that he would die by the side of his elven friend, Legolas. Unfortunately, the sprightly spirit was nowhere in sight. The King of Men looked to the sky, and suddenly something caught his eye. The Black Tower- wait- was it crumbling? Had Frodo truly destroyed the ring and vanquished the Dark Lord? Oh joyous day!

Frodo stood stock still, still in midst of grappling with Golum. "Did the Black Tower just crumble?" he asked. Sam nodded. "But we didn't destroy the ring yet!"

Standing next to the rubble, holding a piece of paper in his hands, stood Legolas. "I don't get it!" he said, waving the paper around. "What's so funny?"

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A/N: For those of you who haven't seen Monty Python's Flying Circus, that was the joke that is so funny whoever hears it dies of laughing. But I guess in his years Legolas has heard better. Or worse, I'm not really sure. Gandalf is anti-silliness because he didn't get any lines when he 'died'. But he got a monologue, so I don't see why he's complaining. I don't own Lord of the Rings. Up for next chapter: Dead parrot and A Scotsman on a horse. And please, take a moment of silence for my spelling. I really need to reread the books.


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